Haloed Devil

Remembering Hanna Lee Cargo-Andaya 3 years ago 15 September 2008, Hanna was, (as a good friend would have described it) taken forcibly away from me.. A tragic moment that I never really imagined how it would be for me after that.  I've worked day and night, counted sleepless nights, wiped buckets of tears and thought of ways of keeping myself busy to alleviate myself of the pain. None worked... I involved myself in a lot of things, became active with UPAA UAE, joined :LENTE, UPAA UAE Fighting Maroons, UPAA UAE Singers, became part of TROPA UAE, got involved with the FILCOM's  Constitutional Commision  and a lot more. The things I did, just to fill the loneliness with companionship, with friendship. Let's just say.. I made new friends, some i kept, others I just simply lost along the way. Then I decided to go home. Home is where the heart is.. as they would always say. Hanna's remains are in Tuguegarao. Last year, 2010, I decided not to go home on her deat...

In your life, you"ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you are with... and the one that got away. Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone t...

You sat there looking away, not responding to any of the efforts I made just to get your attention. I called your name, too many times in fact that I lost track of the count. There was no reaction... Nothing! I asked you what was wrong and you just gave me a blank stare. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. Suddenly, your eyes were watery. I knew something was amiss. Again, I asked you "What's the matter?" yet you still ignored me. Then tears fell from your eyes like rain pouring from the sky. You managed to be brave and you looked at me. Straight into my eye you said " Nothing". Am I that insensitive to believe that nothing was wrong even if I saw the tears falling from your eyes? Am I that naive to know that you are fine considering you were crying? Am that stupid to think that this was all a joke? Am I? Seeing you cry was one thing, making you cry made me feel like Ice melting under the blistering heat of the sun. I felt guilty. Then I...

In loving Memory of Hanna Lee D. Cargo-Andaya (HLDCA) I call her  angel, not because she was called DJ Angel back when she was working as a student jock for campus radio. I call her angel, not because her email ID is angellee. I call her angel because she had the face of an angel that brightens every gloomy day. She made me laugh every time. She made me smile every time I felt down. I call her angel, for her voice was so soothing that cherubs and seraphs would envy her. I call her angel because she was sent to me from heaven after my desperate and futile attempts to find true happiness. I call her angel, because she was my soul mate, my friend, my critic, my nemesis, my best friend and my wife.. I call her baby, yet i could have called her sweetheart, honey, sugar, or what ever terms of endearment i can come up with. I call her baby, because i wanted to treat her like one. To spoil her, to give everything she wanted, to give her my unconditional love. I call h...

Taking off from Andrew Shepard's speech in the American President... I have loved three women in my life... two I lost to better men, one I lost tragically.      " It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all "  To love someone is remarkable, to be loved in return is truly wonderful, a marvel to behold. Loving someone gives me the true meaning of happiness, it gave me joy. Being loved is a bliss.I have loved three women in my life. One I lost because I never really fought for her. The other one I lost because i held her too tight. The third... let's just say " She was forcibly taken away from me". The first was "puppy" love as my friends would call it. Infatuation blown out of proportion. I was young, naive, careless and stupid. I enjoyed the company of my friends, my classmates, my teammates and even my playmates. I was in the basketball court, swimming pool, at a friend's house, in school most of the time. I ne...

How will I spend Valentine's Day? I answered: Alone Love is in the air. Couples seem sweeter. Restaurants filled up. Yep. No more reservations. Fully booked. Roses seem to abound as well. Flowers are everywhere. Happy Heart's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. What ever people may call it, this truly is the season of love. Wouldn't it be wonderful to spend this day with your love one, your inspiration, your honey, your sweetheart? Have that dinner by the candle light. Take that leisurely walk together. Watch your favorite movie together. Sit by the seashore and watch the sun go down. Lie down on the fields while you both count the stars. You both close your eyes as you wish on a shooting star. Dream about the future together.  Cuddle up while mentioning sweet nothings. Now the key word here is "couple". But how is it when you are just alone. Alone by chance, alone by choice. What about those people that don't have someone in their lives right now.  Being ...

How do you go back when you've been pushed too far away? How do you pretend that things are fine even if they are not? How do you say I'm sorry when any apology you give is not enough? How do you smile when there is no reason to? How do you stop the tears from falling knowing you were the reason for the heartache? You hide behind this glass of alcohol to hide the pain... You hind behind a simple smile to hide the sorrow... You hide behind your friends and sing the night away thinking that everything is fine. You keep things to yourself because you know that the words that come out of your mouth is something that hurt people. You embody the principle " less talk.. less mistake". You put up a face of strength and confidence knowing that you can't sleep at night. You laugh boisterously and with reckless abandon thinking that people would think you don't care. You know deep down in your heart you are hurting.. What people see are different from what actu...